After SOC this morning, there's been nothing much happening. Been having admin time since lunch. Doing a bit of reading, a bit of sleeping & lots of thinking. Especially about where I'm going after POP.
*Just got back our platoon photo. I paid nine bucks for it and they spelt my name as 'Daril'. I'm not happy at all... Some of the guys don't even have their name in it. Some memoir.*

Looking ahead, I see lots of difficult times... With training that is going to be much worse than BMT. But then I ask myself, thousands of others have gone into command schools & have done well. This is assuming that I'm even selected for command school. Its already a disappointment that I might not be able to make it for OCS. Maybe I shouldn't feel so bad since most of the diploma batches go to SISPEC. Should I even bother giving my best now that I've missed the 'big prize'?

Reasons why I won't get into OCS:
1)SIT. test... I wasn't fantastic.
2)Its tough physically. Sometimes I feel like dying after things like SOC or 2.4 km run.
3)Do I really wanna go through the difficulty of command school for the rest of my NS?
4)Hearing my section mates complain about every single thing in BMT. I've been blocking it out for 2 months but it feels like its getting to me.
5)Why bother giving all your effort when just a bit is enough to pass?
6)Uncertainty... Even if I do get a Gold for IPPT & do well for SOC (under 10 minutes). It won't guarantee me a place in OCS?

I've been brooding over this long enough... My responsibilty is to do my best with a joyful heart. Where I go, He will lead. Whether or not its OCS, SISPEC or missing command school entirely.

Medical Center
Waiting here for my turn to see the medical officer (MO). Its been a while since I was last here. I'm not that bad. I decided to come because I need the rest. Especially for my legs. Soccer on saturday left me with aching muscles & a stretched hamsteing... I should recover in a couple of days... Just in time for my 16 km route march. The rest of the company are having foot drills now. Today will be quite a tiring day for them. Weights & Circuits later, BCCT after lunch & an Enduring Training (ET) Run in the evening. I'm glad for this time to rest. Didn't get as much as I should have during the long break. There's also more things to thing & pray about. For youth camp & also the changes in the XS cell ministry.

From what I've heard youth camp registration has been quite slow. I think there are about 50 people and not enough new friends. One issue I have with XS activities... Are they appealing to people my age? I'm classified as a young adult already. I'm sure there are some of my friends who would enjoy themselves despite the age differences. But what about those who can't because of different interests? I look at the new batch of XS youth & I recognise them as the little toddlers who used to be running around, pretending to be power rangers or some other equivelent cartoon character. Of course it can be said that I used to be like that & thats how the older members of Charis saw me too.

I remember the days where Ruth & I would joing the MYFers in the old conference room while our parents were having choir practice. I remember sensing the patience of the MYFers wear out as they had enough playing with me. Its not their fault. I was quite troublesome as a young child. But it wasn't just MYF. I dare say that at a young age, I had an awareness of spiritual things. Not an understanding, I was too young for that, but an awareness. I was hungry for the things of God... But there was a lack of encouragement from the adults?

I remember an incident where there was a book sale in the old social hall. And there was this 'pray for the nations' bookk that caught my interest. I was telling my dad that I wanted to get it and the book seller, a church member, remarked to my dad in front of me, "Are you sure he can understand? Why not get him the children's version? Got more pictures & simpler words."
That made me indignant and I think that it was one of the things that made me start questioning the faith and started the first falling away. It was still because of my own bad decisions but this was one of the 'push' factors. My point is, I don't want to water down any of the youth now but help them to grasp hold of & understand the things of God. But back to the point. Why is there a gap between XS & the young adults? Should there be something catered specifically for young adults? Army guys? Or are we just catering for certain kinds of youth?

*Paragraph Removed*

I'm now in the sick bay having a rest. Of all the problems I had, they admitted me in for sores eyes. I just took my lunch, my cough & flu medicine. Getting drowsy already. I'm probably going to do a little reading when I wake up.
*dozed off at 12.45pm*

::: Song of the Day :::
I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that I hate more than anything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works

When I go down, I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, only if I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where Peace can search me out and find
That I'm ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find the end of this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slipped through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do it makes me light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's a fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again
| relient k - when I go down |

I'm so satisfied with my long weekend. It couldn't have been better. Spent catching up with friends and family. Did a bit of shopping, a little exercise of swimming & soccer and a lot of eating. I think I spent almost $200 during these 5 days. T-shirts, taxi fares, good food...

Played soccer with Gerald's JC friends on saturday night. Its been awhile since I've played soccer. Feel out of touch. I dare say I'm a lot fitter than before though. But its not saying anything much when everyone you're playing with is super fit as well... Most of Gerald's friends were fresh out of BMT and there were quite a lot of Officer Cadet Trainees (OCT). So most of them could run around non-stop. Managed to score a beautiful long distance goal. I hit the ball with my outstep, it hit the crossbar and bounced in.

Had GG meeting in church after service today... There are going to be changes in the XS cell structure. Its been a long time coming. I think it will be good if everyone accepts it willingly. But I have a feeling that there will be some who won't warm up to the idea. But if this is the way God tells the leaders that we should go, shouldn't we submit to their leadership? The only problem I feel is that I won't have the time to lead a cell. Especially not if I go to command school. I don't know... Will I have to give up one responsibility to fulfill another?

I miss Spunky...

We just had a movie marathon of anger management, catwoman and gothika... Only the last movie was one that I hadn't watched before and it was quite entertaining. Quite gripping! But anyway... I'm enjoying myself! Although I haven't had enough rest, it feels good to be able to sit back and not worry about what time I have to wake up or how long I have left to fall in. The rest that I need now is both mental and physical.

The last 3 days were quite enjoyable although booking out was the only thing on my mind. I got silver for my IPPT again. Improved my Standing Broad Jump to 4 points but still need to work on my chin ups. Managed to get 9 minutes and 57 seconds for my 2.4km. A good thing considering that I running when I was ill. Had to also resist the temptation to fall out from the run after seeing other recruits walking to the sides of the track after 2 or 3 rounds.

The highlight of the week was definitely throwing the grenade... There's something about throwing that little piece of equipment containing enough power to take life that made me feel sick and powerful at the same time. I hope and pray that I never ever have to use one of those.

Its all over... No more outfield for the rest of BMT! I don't mind going outfield actually. Its just that going out less than one week after I field camp is really strenuous. SIT was really a challenge... Marching around on the reclaimed land in the hot sun for hours. I really can't imagine going through it again. Its the only thing I passionately dread about NS. I don't know whether my performance was good enough to earn me a recommendation to get into OCS(become an officer). At least I can be proud that I really gave my best. (cheesy but true!)

Now the only hurdles left are IPPT and SOC. These shouldn't be much of a problem. I got silver for my trial IPPT test. I thought I wouldn't be able to hit silver because of my 2.4km run. But it turns out I almost hit the gold standard timing of 9 minutes and 45 seconds. I was 4 seconds off... Its surprised me because it is the first time I've run under 11 minutes. Really pushed myself for it though. All the while during the run I was panting, 'God, help me.. God, help me!' And I managed to press on and keep running.

Guard duty last week wasn't too bad. I got to worship and pray for 2 hours at a time. While having a beautiful scenery to praise God for. It was really quite relaxing to be in the presence of God. Prayed for my family as well as the cell... I can see why they say BMT is an experience you'll never forget. How to forget when every activity is filled with situations that stir almost every emotion?

Booking out again on wednesday... Could really use the long break to rest and catch up with friends again. Soccer match next Saturday!!! I don't know if its me or anything, but I feel that church has lost its warmth. Don't get me wrong, the people are fine but I feel a little bit distant from them. Hopefully it'll get better in time.

I'm back again after another long 2 weeks in camp... In a word, field camp was wet. It rained every single day and every single night. Not a drizzle mind you... This was stormy weather kind of rain. It was strenuous but one heck of an experience. Thank God for His protection.

I was looking forward to a weekend of rest but unfortunately I'll have to book back in tomorrow night for guard duty. I got 'volunteered' for it because my rifle got stolen on the fifth night by one of the sergeants while I was asleep. I'm irritated with myself because I had put in effort to take care of my rifle for the previous 4 nights. I usually wind the sling a few times around my arm and then rest half my body over the rifle. I guess my hand must have slipped from the sling. Bleah...

So anyway, the worst thing is that I won't be able to go church this sunday. Its like being confined another week! But its a punishment that I feel that I deserve. Next week will be a short weekend too. Booking out only on Saturday afternoon or evening because of my situational test. That means I'm going outfield AGAIN! Outfield wouldn't be half as bad if it wasn't for the darn abrasions on my feet caused by wearing someone elses boots. Yup... We were allowed to take off our boots on one of the nights where we were sleeping in shelter and the next morning some one else took my size 8's. I'm still wearing the size 8's but the cutting of the boots is different. Probably wear my spare boots and buy another pair when I have enough credits. (Credits are given every month to NSF personnal to buy controlled army stuff like uniforms or equipment)

I almost forgot about range last week. I believe I have the ability to aim and shoot and I would have gotten a higher score than my 17/32 if my glasses didn't fog up during the night shooting. But excuses aside, I'm relieved that I didn't have to go for a re-shoot. Its amazing how much time we wasted just sitting at the range waiting for the various details (A detail is just another name for a group of men doing a particular activity) to go through the shoots.

My experience in the army has taught me the practical aspects of the goodness of God. Rather than learning from reading and from testimonies from others, I have learnt to depend on God for myself. One of the guys in my section mentioned that religion is for those that are weak... Those who can't depend on themselves. I agree totally with that statement. Except my relationship with God is no religion. Its not about rules. I am weak, no question about that. Its Him that makes me strong.

There's a sweet feeling when you're home... When you're with the people you love and care about. You know you're where you belong. Thats how I felt when I went back to church today. I had a wonderful time worshipping God today. Almost forgot what it was like to worship unreservedly, lifting my hands and my voice to God. Joseph chose a lot of love songs to God today and it really spoke of the way I feel about God after these 3 weeks. God's been so good to me that I can barely think about it without my eyes watering. Training has been tough but I feel like I'm inside a glove where nothing can harm me. Where difficult things are made bearable and the mundane made fun. This is God's promise to me and its almost unbelievable how its happening.

3 more hours before I book in... I can't wait to get it over with. This week will be a tough one with 3 days of range before I head out for field camp, which will stretch over the next weekend. Only 7 weeks left! As one of the platoon commanders in my company always says... "CAN BE DONE?!?!"
YES SIR!!!

::: Song of the Day :::
I heard a voice through the discord
Of a deluge of passersby
I saw one gaze frozen in time
Watching me passing by
And I swear I’ll know your face in the crowd
And I’ll hear your voice so loud
When you’re whispering

Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another

Here’s my kiss to betray
Desperate to brush the lips of grace
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied?
And oh sweet angel of mercy
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me
And oh sweet angel of mercy
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me

Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger
To be stronger
Hey unloving
I will love you
I will love you
I will love you

And Jesus, I’m ready to come home
Jesus, I’m ready to come home
I'm ready to come home
Hey unfaithful
Hey ungraceful
Hey unloving
I will love you
| underoath - some will seek forgiveness, others escape |

Book Out!!!
It feels so good to be out... To be with the people I love and care about. After 2 and a half weeks of physical and mental strain, it feels good to be able to relax again. However, the feeling on the ferry back to Singapore filled me with mixed emotions. I was glad to be able to come home, but I felt slightly anxious about returning to Tekong on Sunday. It would be another 2 weeks of tough, if not tougher, training. I know I'll be fine though.

Some scribblings I made during the free time I had...

3 October 2004, Sunday
Today has been quite relaxing. 5 days here and I've learnt so much. I've also learnt that fear is a poor motivator... It eats at your being and make you unable to function. Its almost comical to see the sergeants yelling in the faces of blubbering recruits.... ALMOST, if it wasn't so painfully pathetic. Trying my best to leave the fear behind is essential. I guess me being able to understand the sergeants helps alot. Unfortunately there are still some who just don't get it. And the whole platoon suffers. I don't mind though. I take it as an excuse to get free personal training.

There are a few who may be good at one thing but crap at another. For example, there's this guy who can do dozens of chin ups for fun. But he can't march well. Or another guy who can run 2.4 very quickly but cannot swim or shoot... I believe I'm one of the few who belong to the category which you might call, 'blessedly average'. Doing just well enough to stay out of trouble but still requiring effort to be good at certain things.

Like I said... So many things learnt in the past few days that I can't even remember what I did yesterday. The encouragements from friends and family have been timely and helpful. Especially yesterday when I wasn't feeling well. Thank God I managed to get through. I can do all things through him.


6 October 2004, Wednesday
I'm in the lecture room again. Another national education talk. They're trying to brain wash us!! Hahaha... They keep repeating how good, prepared and technologically advanced our SAF is. Which is true in a way. The SAF is good but I don't think we would last if there was any real enemy. Our army is like concertina wire barriers. They're there to hinder and not to stop. Whatever the case, I'll just do my best and obey God. It hasn't been easy though. Every morning I wake up and my mind tries to find some excuse to skip training. But my spirit doesn't allow me too.... How can I even if I wanted to? He is my protection and also my medicine when I'm sick. So there's no reason why I should be entitled to that kind of rest. The training has been mostly bearable and even enjoyable in some cases. My Platoon Commander (PC) was saying that the standard to be considered for OCS is at least a silver but I'm still quite a long way from that. I'll just keep training.


7 October 2004, Thursday
Just finished my IMT range (simulated shooting range). It was quite fun. Had to use an eye patch to aim properly. Right now we're just learning the techniques of shooting. I don't want to be a marksman. Aiming is uncomfortable for me because my left eye is open behind the eye patch.


8 October 2004, Friday
We're relaxing in the canteen after visiting the e-mart. The mood is generally relaxed today except for a new sergeant (future platoon sergeant). Super strict, super vulgar, almost hateful. But I think it'll be good for the platoon to have some discipline. Some aren't putting in effort. We were pushed this morning. 3km run followed by conditioning (push ups, 1.5min squats, superman lifts). Had a chin up training regime just now too... Still stuck at 5 the first time, but I did 2 more sets of 3 as well as one more set of 6 assisted chin ups. Thank God I just got half gloves so its gonna help a lot in preventing more blisters.

Signed up for life insurance by Aviva. I think it'll be a good investment. The speaker was trying to instill fear into us by implying that those who didn't sign up or those who didn't 'believe' were more likely to get into accidents. Had to pray and make sure that the reason for signing up was not because of fear.

I'm leaving now...

When God speaks there is always change.
I was afraid...
'What if I don't succeed?'
'What if I screw up on the first day?'

But this isn't about me... This is about You. Remind me constantly, dear Lord.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
If you can use anything, Lord, you can use me
Take my hands, Lord, and my feet,
Touch my heart, speak through me.
If you can use anything, Lord, you can use me!
| Ron Kenoly - Use Me |

Its here... The eve of my enlistment. 3 weeks of confinement coming up. This will be the longest time I've not blogged since I started journaling. I'll try to remember my experiences and update when I get out. Thats if I have the time or energy to... Come to think of it, this will be the longest time I'll be away from home. It will be a good experience I guess. I thank God for the countless friends who have encouraged me and prayed for me. It just feels so good that God sends these people to look out for me. Even people I'm not close to, like Edwin from Paya Lebar Methodist Church and Jon from Church Of Our Saviour, prayed for me when I met them. I can't help but feel that there is a work for me to do. Maybe you can write it off as something every Christian NSman should be doing, but I feel that its a responsibility not to be taken lightly. Something is relying on this.

You will spark something off.
Lynette gave me a word from God today and it just shook me. Not that I don't want to do it. Its just that the weight of responsibility seemed too much to take. It felt like there were so many things that I needed to do by myself. But then God reminded me of Moses' responsibility and how He guided Him as well. Right up to the point where He told Moses specifically what to do and say. God showed Moses that he could trust Him and then the rest was told on a need to know basis. Similar to what I'm going through now. I have the BIG picture and God will reveal the next steps gradually. I'm apprehensive about whats coming up. But praise God!!! He goes before me to prepare the way for me. He's walks beside me to guide me. And glory will be given to Him in places that I've been.

Dear Lord, thank You for preparing me for army. Thank you that in You, I can be spiritually strong, mentally sound and physically fit. You are my light, my sword, my shield, my fortress. Lord I thank You that I will not be tempted beyond what I can bear. I will not fall away from You but I will shine for You. For you will make my righteousness shine like the dawn. I will not be ashamed of the gospel but be a testimony for You. I will wear the cross around my neck with pride and responsibility. In Jesus' Name, AMEN!

Your Type is INFP
Introverted 33%
Intuitive 33%
Feeling 33%
Perceiving 67%
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

INFPs never seem to lose their sense of wonder. One might say they see life through rose-colored glasses. It's as though they live at the edge of a looking-glass world where mundane objects come to life, where flora and fauna take on near-human qualities.


INFP children often exhibit this in a 'Calvin and Hobbes' fashion, switching from reality to fantasy and back again. With few exceptions, it is the NF child who readily develops imaginary playmates (as with Anne of Green Gables's "bookcase girlfriend"--her own reflection) and whose stuffed animals come to life like the Velveteen Rabbit and the Skin Horse:

"...Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand..." (the Skin Horse)
INFPs have the ability to see good in almost anyone or anything. Even for the most unlovable the INFP is wont to have pity.

Their extreme depth of feeling is often hidden, even from themselves, until circumstances evoke an impassioned response. Of course, not all of life is rosy, and INFPs are not exempt from the same disappointments and frustrations common to humanity. As INTPs tend to have a sense of failed competence, INFPs struggle with the issue of their own ethical perfection, e.g., perfo rmance of duty for the greater cause. An INFP friend describes the inner conflict as not good versus bad, but on a grand scale, Good vs. Evil. Luke Skywalker in Star Wars depicts this conflict in his struggle between the two sides of "The Force." Although the dark side must be reckoned with, the INFP believes that good ultimately triumphs.

Some INFPs have a gift for taking technical information and putting it into layman's terms. Brendan Kehoe's Zen and the Art of the Internet is one example of this "de-jargoning" talent in action.

Functional Analysis
INFPs live primarily in a rich inner world of introverted Feeling. Being inward-turning, the natural attraction is away from world and toward essence and ideal. This introversion of dominant Feeling, receiving its data from extraverted intuition, must be the source of the quixotic nature of these usually gentle beings. Feeling is caught in the approach- avoidance bind between concern both for people and for All Creatures Great and Small, and a psycho-magnetic repulsion from the same. The "object," be it homo sapiens or a mere representation of an organism, is valued only to the degree that the object contains some measure of the inner Essence or greater Good. Doing a good deed, for example, may provide intrinsic satisfaction which is only secondary to the greater good of striking a blow against Man's Inhumanity to Mankind.

Extraverted intuition faces outward, greeting the world on behalf of Feeling. What the observer usually sees is creativity with implied good will. Intuition spawns this type's philosophical bent and strengthens pattern perception. It combines as auxiliary with introverted Feeling and gives rise to unusual skill in both character development and fluency with language--a sound basis for the development of literary facility. If INTPs aspire to word mechanics, INFPs would be verbal artists.

Sensing is introverted and often invisible. This stealth function in the third position gives INFPs a natural inclination toward absent- mindedness and other-worldliness, however, Feeling's strong people awareness provides a balancing, mitigating effect. This introverted Sensing is somewhat categorical, a subdued version of SJ sensing. In the third position, however, it is easily overridden by the stronger functions.

The INFP may turn to inferior extraverted Thinking for help in focusing on externals and for closure. INFPs can even masquerade in their ESTJ business suit, but not without expending considerable energy. The inferior, problematic nature of Extraverted Thinking is its lack of context and proportion. Single impersonal facts may loom large or attain higher priority than more salient principles which are all but overlooked.

Alrighty... This weekend has been a flurry of activity. Let me start on Friday. Went to Sentosa with Lynette, Pat, Gloria, Jennifer and Dennis. It was Jennifer's birthday and I guess they wanted to show her around. Did a lot of walking along the stretch of beaches at Sentosa. Basically talked nonsense all the way with Dennis. Had New Zealand Ice Cream at central beach and looked at couples making out in canoes. Basically a reminder of what I was like. Not that I was so indiscreet. But just a reminder to be careful. :P
Anyway, we celebrated Jennifer's birthday at the top of the giant merlion. She was so thrilled when she saw the cake and when we started singing Happy Birthday. It made me wonder why no one does these kinds of things for me. But then again, I'm not that kind of person. So it doesn't really matter.

Saturday was spent shopping for army stuff. Things like powder, extra army t-shirts and singlets, socks, black tape, kiwi shoe polish, etc... Met quite a few other guys who were also booking in on the same day as me. Went to meet Christine after dumping my stuff at home. Had dinner at Takashimaya before walking all the way to Dhoby Ghaut MRT... I actually intended to send her to her church youth service before heading back to my church. But I thought it would be good to see their youth service and also say hello to some of the mission trip people. I'm glad I did.

Seeker Service today was better than I expected... As usual, God did His 'thing'. There will always be things that we can improve on but praise God that He can use us for great things. I was especially moved during the actual skit. When Alicia, Jean and especially Wee Seng (1 year old Christian?) was acting out their roles, I was stunned by how God has been with them as they've grown spiritually. It was just the fact that these people love my God enough to serve Him in ways they know how.
If you could only see how He has changed our lives. If you didn't just brush it off as just another religious mumbo jumbo. If only you weren't blinded by the world. If you didn't try to reason everything out through logic with your limited understanding. And if you did try to reason logically, if only you'll do it thoroughly.
Would you believe?

I personally don't believe in scare tactics. But there was nothing scary about Atomic's (the speaker's name) message. He gave an overview on his topic, lingered in every point, revisited the points he covered after finishing each point and at the end of it all, summarised everything again. Maybe to make sure everyone got the message. Praise God no one fell asleep. Praise God that he works despite things like this. Haha. Not that I'm perfect in any way. I played horribly during worship too...
4 hours of soccer to cap it all off today. Its been a tiring weekend. But I'm a happy boy nonetheless. Praise God for family and friends. I'm going to spend my last few days as a civilian at Rhema Bible School. 7am tomorrow!

Went down to Rhema Bible School today for the healing service again. I was slightly late for the worship. Thankfully, Reverend Tony decided to linger in the Spirit so I managed to get into the flow as well. God's Spirit was definitely there so I used the opportunity to ask a few questions. And I got my answers...
As always when I hear God, He always reassures me. Always with such a sense of loving peace. Its interesting that I got all this during a healing service. Haha...

I will make a path for you. You've been reading about Joshua. See how I guided him? See how I made his victory as he obeyed me? Thats all I need and thats all I've been asking you for all this while. Your willingness & obedience.

If you're willing & obedient, you will eat the good of the land. If you're willing & obedient, you will bring my goodness to others. I can use anything or anyone so I can certainly use you. You have work to be completed in this next phase of life. You will be a light for others, a city on a hill. So find your lampstand and find your hill.

Yesterday I found out that I took 20 minutes for 2km because the machine was spoilt. I ran 2.5km using the better treadmill and I clocked 11 minutes 20 seconds. What a relief! I sensed something was wrong when I had to sprint at 9km per hour using the lousy machine. Now it can't even work anymore. Went to the gym again today and decided to jog a longer distance. I ran 5km in 30 minutes. At least now I'm more confident of my physical fitness. I think I'll jog again on Sunday.

::: Verse of the Day :::
You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.
| Matthew 5:13-16 |

I just watched Dodgeball with Xiong, Liwei, Gerald and Angelina... We initially didn't buy a ticket for Xiong because of a miscommunication. But thankfully we could get another ticket for the seat in the row in front of us. Killer show with classic lines so stupid that they became funny. Ben Stiller was hilariously lame...

Less than week till enlistment. I almost had a panic attack yesterday afternoon. But I guess reading the book of Joshua has been encouraging me. How did Joshua become such a great leader? Simply by listening to what God told him to do. Pure & simple... How did Joshua & Israel sustain their faith? I think one of the key reasons was that they remembered the goodness of God and how He had sustained them since they left Egypt. This was evident in the stones that they put up every once in a while. I guess this blog is what you may call my 12 stones.

Been praying about whether or not I should aim for OCS... Not even sure if I have the capability to achieve that. But as people always remind me, if God plans for me to go, He will provide the means to. I will just prepare myself spiritually, mentally and physically to obey and carry through with it. Just like the way Joshua led Israel to success after success. All because he consulted God and obeyed. In fact, the only time they met with failure was when he didn't consult God. And even so, God provided a way back into the path of success.

So proud of Jeremy and the way he has started the prayer group in his bunk. If I manage to do the same, I'll be satisfied with myself. There's something for me to do in army. He's been preparing me for this for 2 years...

::: Verses of the Day :::
Then Joshua called the twelve men whom he had appointed from the children of Israel, one man from every tribe; and Joshua said to them:
"Cross over before the ark of the LORD your God into the midst of the Jordan, and each one of you take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the children of Israel, that this may be a sign among you when your children ask in time to come, saying, "What do these stones mean to you?' Then you shall answer them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD; when it crossed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. And these stones shall be for a memorial to the children of Israel forever."
| Joshua 4:4-7 |

I enjoyed my weekend. Saturday was something I'd looked forward to for so long. The soccer 'match' with Agape Methodist Church. It wasn't really a match because we had all mixed together and formed 2 groups. Really missed playing soccer on a field. There's nothing like it. The exhileration of running down the field at full speed with a ball at your feet is incredible. The thought of giving a penetrating pass or cross which would result in a goal sends shivers down my spine everytime I think about it. Soccer will always draw people. Its a universal game which anyone can play. If you can run and you can kick, you can play. Simple yet beautiful at the highest level.

So there was Joe who's been joining us more often in cell and church activities. There's Daniel, one of Dale's old pals from army. There was Issac, Derick's friend I think. The Agape youth were good sports too although they weren't used to our agressive style of soccer. But there were 2 or 3 of them who managed fine though. The Agape youth wanted to play them versus us in the 2nd half so we lent them 4 players. Unfortunately 2 of them got hurt. :/

Had practice after church. Only 2 songs because of seeker service next week. It felt good to play the drums for worship after more than a month hiatus. Had fun jamming with Xiong & Joe after the practice too. Went to suntec for 15 minutes before taking a cab down to 85 for dinner. Didn't feel like eating much. Too tired.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Temporary rush of pleasure
Forgotten, gone in an instant
Creations of desire
Filling the silky sky
Perhaps the end is here
Slowly the memory ebbs away
The pain is plastered
With the softest laughter

Forgive me if I distance myself
Promises broken and lies kept
Rebuild, Restructure
Life begun from the bottom rung
The reality of it rains down
Wave after wave of dreams destroyed
The fragments cut deep
Like attrition, it whits you away

Staring past you, the forbidden
Unable to meet your eyes
Like pools, pure and deep
An invitation to fall in
Traces of hope with every smile
Every glance, stolen like prized jewels
But in the end happiness reigns
For patient proximity is enough for me
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Sometimes you do things because you want it so badly. And its not wrong, but people might get the wrong impression of why you did those things. So you don't breathe a word to anyone.
Not the outcome I would have liked but I'm alright. Surprisingly alright. Definitely saddened. But it's not my whole life depending on it anymore. Keep in View...

Went for healing school thursday afternoon. Its always good to learn especially when Reverend Tony was giving an inspired teaching. About God having to fulfill His promises because He can't go against His Word. Because of His covenant and promise to Abraham and His new covenant in the form of Jesus Christ. Sort of like an obligation. Good for people who are in the business world. But my understanding of God is that He loves us and WANTS to bless us. Not because he is bound by terms of a contract. Nonetheless, it was an interesting point of view...

Met Dennis in the evening just to catch up and chat. Talked about things ranging from cell to serving in church and of course the favourite topic of all guys around the world.... SOCCER!!! =P
Anyway, I decided to hang around Tampines after he went home. Didn't go home till much much later.

Had prayer meeting this evening. Good time of prayer. There are more and more people as weeks go by. A sign that we're on the right track? I believe so. God spoke to me during thanksgiving near the end of the meeting. Now I've decided to throw off the things that hinder. I shall press towards the goal.

Speaking of goals... I shall score plenty tomorrow afternoon. I think there'll be an insane number of players coming down. Probably have to play a mini-league of four 7-a-side teams. Need to get some rest. Goodnight world. By the way, I'm still amazed at how 'alright' I'm feeling. Praise God for that.

::: Song of the Day :::
Can I just be something
Somewhere in your room that you won't notice
Maybe I'll be paper or books thrown on your floor
Move me when you want to
I'll live where you put me
In your VCR if I become a cassete
Or on top of your computer
If that's where I would fit then so be it

But things can't be perfect
All the time that I know
Sometimes we just have to let some things go

I will not say one word
I'll just hang around
I won't annoy you at all
When you move out I'll stay until I'm thrown away
But then it won't matter

I promise to start now (to start now)
I promise to start now (to start now)

Letting go is my life
I'll be on my way.....
| armor for sleep - kind of perfect |

Didn't post anything because life was quite uneventful until today. And now today has happened, I don't wanna write about it. Run and hide.

Really looking forward to Saturday's soccer and maybe another match with Melvin's team of uncles on Sunday.

::: Quote of the Day :::
Just try to let things be. Don't dwell on it.

Covenant...
The word just sends a shudder down my spine. Stanley spoke on the old covenant and the new covenant today. When I read about how God was so faithful, so generous and so detailed with his covenant with Abraham, it just made me so ashamed of the 1 year covenant I made last year. I was supposed to stay single for the whole year. I did complete the covenant but it was in what you might call a messy way of doing it. There were 3 occasions where I thought I could have handled things in a better way. Of course, its no use crying over spilt milk but it just makes me shudder at how perfect God is. There's just no comparison.

I think I woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning. I was tired out by the full day on Saturday, so I didn't make it for prayer. Barely made it for worship either. I couldn't concentrate till the last song. Everyone was worshipping in full force already but I was barely stepping in. I find days like this really weird. Its as if I'm satisfied but at the same time there's something I'm missing. Yes, some might nail it down to my desire to have someone by my side. Someone to walk God's path with me. But I'm beginning to think that it might be something deeper. Something not so obvious.

Dear God, what am I missing? Why this listlessness? You said that your commands are not a burden. You said I have overcome the world. You said I'm a new creation. Why is it I still yearn for the old ways? On one hand desiring to do those things, on the other hand not being able to do it because I don't want to do anything wrong. God, teach me to be like Paul. To be satisfied and content in this situation. This is a lesson that should have been completed long ago. It all boils down to selfish discontent.
You have overcome my problems, Lord. So help me not to get dragged back into them. Help me focus on and love others the way you loved them. Amen.

::: Verse of the Day :::
This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.
| 1 John 5:3 |

Carnival @ Charis!!!
We had a whale of a time. The games stall was a resounding success. We raised over $300 with our games. I guess the water bombs really attracted people. The can-toppling game also was a huge success. Jeremy was brilliant in making the sand balloons to throw. Impressive what army has done to him!! Hahah...

Its also been a day of a lot of talking. Had a good chat with Jackson near the end of the carnival. Talked about army and how he had started a Christian Fellowship in his company. We both agreed that it was good for the Spiritual health of NS men.

Went for dinner at the food centre at East Coast Park with Joe and Jennifer, our friends from Rhema Bible School. Pi Long joined us later. I had a long chat with him about God's calling for us. He shared with me how God had guided him in making a decision to come to Rhema Singapore to study. I shared my testimony with him and my desire to serve God. I also shared with him what I had heard from God about Chiang Mai. I don't know whether I said too much but I felt that he understood my passion for youth.

Words I have heard often... But it sounded so different coming from him. He put it so simply. Almost like a matter-of-fact. Which is true... It is fact! When God calls us to serve, He will provide us the means. Whether it be finance, accommodation or language. He makes the way happen. So often we get caught up in our sacrifices that we forget that what he has provided greatly outnumbers what we've given.

Today I learnt the vastness of the body of Christ. I learnt that each part has a responsibility to fulfill in helping other parts. Each part complements others and they work together to greater effect. But the consequence of a person not fulfilling his or her responsibility result in consequences for other parts. The mouth won't get fed if the hand doesn't bring food. And the hand cannot take the food unless the feet bring it to the food.

People are starving... Not physically but spiritually. Whose responsibility is this? Who isn't doing their job? Who is not obeying? How do we get around this?
I'm so tired that I can't think properly. There's prayer tomorrow morning. Gotta get some shuteye. Goodnight.

Just got home from a movie. Watched Raising Helen... Another chick flick and a bad choice by me. Watched it with Jeremy & Liwei. We were supposed to catch Alien Vs Predator but it wasn't screening at Tampines GV tonight. I kept apologising for the first half of the movie because of the lameness. But thankfully, it caught my interest with its take on adoloscent behaviour as well as the pains of parenting.

If only intentions were good enough. If only discipline didn't require effort. If only waiting did not take so long. If only rewards came for the littlest job done well. If only circumstances always worked for you instead of against you. If only memories were made real again. If only reality could be bent and shaped the way you wanted. If only dreams like this weren't so pathetic.

::: Word of the Day :::
Insinuate
v. in·sin·u·at·ed, in·sin·u·at·ing, in·sin·u·ates
To introduce or otherwise convey (a thought, for example) gradually and insidiously.

Okie... Papa got back his Bose sound system back from repairs today. And now he's listening to some yodelling CD he got from switzerland. I'm not against world music but its kinda getting on my nerves. The living room sounds like a circus now. Even Spunky is grumpy...

The Terminal is a great show. Steven Spielberg lives up to reputation yet again. Tom Hanks was almost convincing in his role as that foreign guy. For awhile the movie threatened to become another version of Castaway. But it picked up after Tom's character learnt more English. Absolutely charming movie...

Came home after sending Elissa to Chinatown. On the way back from Outram interchange, there was this girl who was standing in front of me. She shocked me by suddenly stamping her foot loudly on the train floor. She was pouting like a little spoilt girl. It was bizarre to see a grown woman (20 years old?) acting like that.
So anyway, I slept almost immediately after I got back home. Was out till about 4:30pm. Been doing some powerpoint presentation for this sunday. I realised now that I have to make it a point to take more pictures of the people there. There's simply not enough pictures of the Thai adults. :
Feel like writing another song. Hahaha!!!

Good evening world... Its been a good start of the week. Went to the gym yesterday and swimming today. My fitness program has taken off! A bit wary of the 2.4km run though... I took 20 mins to run 2 km on monday. I think something is wrong with the machine. Maybe it was counting in miles or something. :P
Nevermind... Rest tomorrow and gym again on Thursday.

Been planning for the church carnival this saturday. So Pat & Gloria have been coming over after school. Ben came also yesterday... We did the banner and the equipment needed for the games. Its really good to have friends over. It really brightens the day by giving me something to look forward to. Keeps my mind off things. Had a sumptuous dinner/supper at bedok 85. Pork porridge, satay and a mouthful of stingray. :P~

So anyway, in the short span of an hour, I've made plans for the next 2 days. Going back to Temasek Poly to get my diploma and watch Christina and her band in the library. Maybe drop by church to get my guitar, get bible study material from Andy and pay him back for New Star Soccer 2. Then I'll meet Cheng in the evening at cineleisure to watch Garfield.
On Thursday, I'll be meeting Elissa to watch The Terminal in the morning. Meeting Dennis in the evening for dinner. Friday should be spent finishing up the carnival stuff and setting up in church.

Barney asked about DG just now... So glad he did. Really shows that he wants to learn. Such an encouragement to me. Made me all the more excited about getting the material from Andy. Praise God this has been a good week. Thank God for everyone.

::: Verse of the Day :::
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
| Lamentations 3:22-23 |

Sunday Service... It was global music sunday. I was trying to appreciate the music and the actions that we had to follow for worship. I was trying to worship God with music I didn't enjoy and singing that I wasn't used to. I was about to make it happen. And then she had to go and say that "...some church's worships are so noisy! No different from shopping centres!"
It just killed my focus... It took me a few moments to convince myself that she wasn't referring to our church. She doesn't know about our worship and our desire to please God. It was simply her opinion and her taste in music which was different.

So anyway, we had a good time of pre-service prayer. I believe God spoke to me during the prayer.
If you fulfill your responsibilities, if you are obedient, I will fulfill my end of the bargain. I will do what you ask. I will bless your church and make it prosperous. Not only financially, but you as a church will grow spiritually mature.

If you are truly a people after my heart, prove yourselves. Prove that you are able to handle my blessings and bless others. Do what I have asked you to do. Pray!! You pray for the leaders? I have heard your cries and I will answer you. Just like I heard and answered the cries of my people and delivered them from Egypt. Pray for yourself(yourselves)! You are the future of this church.

I couldn't take anymore at this point. Kinda like information overload. I don't know what to make of this. Kinda sensitive I know. :/
Gathering of Gatherers (GG) was good too! Stanley taught on leadership again. On how Leadership requires an understanding of the people you're leading. A part of it was similar to my last post about having tact. Thank God that what He teaches me from different sources are about the same topic. Thats the wonder of His divine syllabus!

Had a really enjoyable time for dinner with Xiong, Gloria & Dennis. Had a killer burger at Blooie's. Talked for very long after dinner and then went to The Cheescake Cafe for dessert. We had Raspberry Oreo Cheesecake, Walnut Cheesecake, Blueberry Cheesecake and Tiramisu (my favourite). Dennis and I shared a Ice Chocolate Float and Xiong had Earl Grey Tea. Joked and laughed about many things. Mainly about girls (or the lack thereof). Wahahaha...

Super tired... ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz...

Today was definitely the best day of the week. For one thing, I got out of the house!! Thats always good! Met up with the cell group today. Jeremy Gan had his first book out today. So glad that he came for cell. Really good to see him. I think I was inexplicably cheerful today. I just felt so elated that the members turned up. Not that they haven't been coming for cell. I don't know how to put it. :P Just happy I guess.

Had our first prayer session for the XS youth before combined word today. Although it was only the 3 of us (Pat, Gloria & myself), I feel that its the start of a whole new season for the XS youth. Great things can only be set in motion through prayer. I'm glad that Pat organised it because its been something that I've been having a burden for. Actually its for the whole church. But XS is a part of the church and its like the core. I know its been mentioned before, but these are the next batch of leaders. I've been praying for them on my own but its always good to come together because for the body of Christ to change, the body of Christ must desire and pray for it to happen.

Another thing I need to learn. I won't say I'm a good judge of character (I thought I was!), but I do sometimes get insights of certain people and situations. Like things that they need to do or learn. But what I need to learn is that people won't take it if you force it down their throats. Although you need to be firm and direct occasionally, most of the time you just need one thing.

Tact
Without it, people will just close up and shut you out. Maybe you do know what you're talking about or maybe you don't. But once you offend people with your words, you won't get anything out of them. Not even the chance to know if you were right or not. The lesson of the day... Although God may show me the root of problem, I need to continue listening for His instructions. It may simply be for my own knowledge so that I'll know how to work with the person in future. Most problems don't require my intervention. Its between them and God. Only bring it up if God tells me to do it.

So anyway, I met up with Matt, Jean, Ziig, Joshua, Cheng, Hafiz and Aaron to watch "Anaconda: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid". It wasn't as bad as I thought. But it was still bad... Haha. The best thing to do when you watch crappy movies like these is to laugh at the sheer predictability of the storyline. It was just so much like Jurassic Park. I was right about the monkey and the black guy. Heheheh... It was Matt's first book out too. So it was good to see him. Especially with the botak head. :D

Good morning... This is like the earliest I've woken up for many weeks! Except on Sundays of course. Supposed to meet up with Andy and then go for a swim. But he couldn't squeeze in the time. Has to be in NUS at 12 I think. I think I'll go down at 11am for a dip.

Meeting up with Gloria later to meet up with Josephine from the dance ministry in PLMC. She was with us in ChiangMai in June. It'll be good to get out of the house. Wahaha...

I've been looking back through the old pictures in my computer... About 3 years worth! Its funny how most of them leave with you with a sense of regret and longing. Not being sad but the kind of longing where you miss old friends and special events. Kinda like nostalgia. Here's one from ChiangMai in August that makes me smile.



Better get changed. The pool is calling out.

Wheee... I screwed up again. Hahaha! It didn't work. Or rather, it didn't work out the way I would have liked.

Been slacking alot during the weekdays. Spending lots of time on the computer. Mainly doing reading, checking up on verses, soccer results. Things like that. Just started playing this new game called New Star Soccer 2. Introduced to me by Andy. I actually asked Andy to purchase the registration key for me because I'm so addicted to it.

I took a nap after dinner because I wasn't feeling too good. I couldn't really fall asleep. And staring out of my window from the darkness of my room didn't help. So I decided to get up to read the bible. I was reading the bible just now when I glanced at the date on my phone realised that it was now September... I'm in the same month as the day I need to enlist for army!!! 28 days and counting. I resolve to go jogging after my sprain has gotten better. Hopefully by tomorrow.

Which is worse?
The one with problems? Or one who finds problems with others?
Someone who does wrong? Or someone who 'repays' a wrong?
The unforgiven? Or the unforgiving?
The unloved? Or those who choose not to love?

::: Lyric of the Day :::
And there's a memory of a window, looking through I see you.
Searching for something I could never give you.
There's someone who understands you more than I do.
A sadness I can't erase, all alone on your face.
| third eye blind - god of wine |

Sometimes people ask you 'whats wrong?' and expect you to have an answer. But sometimes there's just no way to answer. Its not any single thing that bogs you down but the little things combined. Its not that things are too hard to take or that life is unbearable. Its more like a reminder of how hard things are. Like something in your peripheral vision which distracts you from your focus. Then you lose your bearings for awhile.

There's no way I'm going to lose out. I'll damn this competitive spirit, this pride and this envy. But I've decided to study by myself. If I can't go to Rhema now then I'll study with books, online teachings and other material. I've already started. I've got slightly under a month before army and I intend to make good use of it. Time to get a good headstart. Gather speed before I hit the uphill slope.

Every day is a new battle. A tough battle indeed. But it is a battle to be won. My responsibilty is to live a life holy and pleasing. Then the details will be given.

Yet another Sunday where I don't have anything on after church. Spent the afternoon playing table tennis. I'm addicted to the game again. After that, Thomson, Liwei, Gerald and Jean came to play soccer at my place. There were alot of people from my estate playing today. Had 4 teams. I didn't score any goals today. Sad.
Played from 5:45pm to 8:45pm. Injured myself near the end. Stepped on a guys heel and sprained my ankle. Not a very good day for Gerald also. He lost his wallet. :/
Sometimes, all you can do is surround yourself with friends, immerse yourself in God's work and pray for the best. Then you hope that it'll take your mind off things. But you can't always drown it out.

Changes are coming... But I dare not even hope for anything.
What are you doing? What are you trying to achieve? What is it you really want? I'm not going to sit here and let you walk all over my God. I won't stand to have you lie to my God. There's no two ways about it. Don't try to blur the line between right and wrong. It is by grace, true enough. But grace doesn't make wrong right. Grace doesn't give you the permission to take advantage.

A part of me hopes she stays away and that she'll continue what she's doing. Because in a selfish way, it gives me a reason to push her away. To pretend that she's not good enough. But I've been praying for her to come back. And if God requires this of me, then I'll do it.

::: Song of the Day :::
Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would

A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be... frail

Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seemed to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace
| jars of clay - frail |

Went for Gospel Invasion this afternoon. We had it at Parkway Parade instead of Tampines Mall this time. I only had 2 respondants. People don't have time to stop nowadays... Thats one of the excuses they give. I don't mind if you don't want to spare 5 minutes of your time. I really don't! But whats up with the lame excuses?
On a brighter note, there were 3 PRCs today. So I really thank God for that...

Spunky's on my lap now... I think I'm beginning to love my dog more. He's adorable when he just sits quietly beside me. Content to be near me and just enjoy my company. Thats more than i can ask for.

Here's some old school lyrics. This song was out when I was in Secondary three. Sometimes, you don't understand till much later in life.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
An open invitation to the dance,
Happenstance set the vibe that we are in,
No apology because my urge is genuine,
And the mystery of your rhythm is so feminine,
Here I am and I want to take a hit,
Of your scent and it bit,
So deep into my soul,
I want you,
You do, you do,
You make me want you
| third eye blind - i want you |

Sent out an email this evening concerning prayer for the Gospel Invasion this saturday. I did this because I realised a couple of days ago that God can only work through our prayers. Look at all the events which have had an impact. Seeker Service, Youth Camps, SonicFest... They all had one thing in common. People who prayed for things to happen. And I'm convinced that this is required.

********************1. Lets pray for the hearts of the unbelievers. That their hearts will be like the good soil in Matthew 13:23. Ready to accept the gospel.
Pray against any distractions from the evil one and that their minds will be clear when we share with them.
That their eyes will be unveiled so that they will see what Christ has done for them.

2. Pray that XS will catch the passion of God’s heart. That we’ll want to fulfil the desire of God which is to see all men come to a saving knowledge of Christ. (See 1 Timothy 2:4.)

3. Pray for boldness for ourselves. That we’ll go forth having the confidence that He will give us the words to say just like Paul prayed for in Ephesians 6:18-20

4. Pray against the spirit of fear that may come upon some of us. Praise God that fear has no place in the body of Christ as promised in Romans 8:15.********************
Dear Dear God... Is it supposed to be this torturous? Everytime I try to push it away, it comes back twice as strong. Lord, it cannot be like this because it doesn't fit your plan. All I know is that it feels so right. But then again, emotions can screw up decision making.
3 things I pray for...
A Spiritual awakening. That the veil of worldly blindness be removed from her.
A hunger for your Word to be stirred up in her.
A desire for your will to be carried out in her life.

Whoever she is, Lord. This is what I ask for. Even though every part of my being cries out for action, I'll stay silent and quiet and I'll wait for my reward. Being in this situation is testimony to Your goodness. Even when I thought it would be impossible, You have healed my heart and lifted me up. In fact I praise You Lord because I know You are El Shaddai! The Almighty One. You are on top of my situation and you see the entire flow of events. And I know it is good! Because You have prepared a path for me in which You give me the best!

I will laugh in the face of adversity. I will laugh in the face of depression because I know that these are just lies. I know that Satan is just trying to prevent me from reaching my full potential. Lord, I have my victory in You! You have won the battle and the war. Hallelujah! I choose to cling to You all the more tightly. And I'll choose to rejoice as well because You are there for me! Everyday I will rejoice because I have my Jesus. And my Jesus is more than enough for me!!!

I slept alot yesterday... Woke up at 12-ish and slept again in the afternoon. I guess thats why I'm up so late. At least I got to watch Manchester United book their place in the Champions League with a 5-1 aggregate win over Dinamo Bucharest. They just won 3-0 in the 2nd leg.

Received this email, written by Stanley but forwarded by Andy to all the youth leaders. He was encouraging Andy about the good influence that XS has on the youth in church. He also mentioned that it was evident in the recent gathering at Rachelle's house. But the thing that caught my attention was the following line in the email...
Another Youth which I've seen tremendous change in is Daryl Goh... need not share further as his change is very obvious.

Obvious? I don't know whether to take it as a compliment or insult. Haha!! Why is there no need to share further? How bad was I before? :P Anyway, I praise God that He has made my righteousness shine like the dawn. Just like He promised in Psalms 37:6... I will continue to trust & delight myself in Him. I am far from perfect and far from what He wants me to be.

There's no other way to put it. Once in a while, a song comes and just hits you in the face with pure meaning and passion in the lyrics. One of those simple songs that betray the love for God in the writer's heart. That leaves you dizzy in worshipful silence when you realise that there's no other way to say it. And all you can do is repeat it over and over in your heart. Hoping that God will understand the true extent of your love for Him in the limited language that you express yourself in.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence
Living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very Word
Spoken to me

And I, I'm desperate for You
And I, I'm lost without You
| Vineyard Music - Breathe (Lyrics by Marie Barnett) |

It was a semi-productive day today. Learnt quite a bit watching camp meeting on Rhema.org. How is it they learn so much? Amazing what they gain from the Word of God. My new favourite verse is Hebrews 4:1-3.

Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it.
For we also have had the gospel preached to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because those who heard did not combine it with faith.
Now we who have believed enter that rest.....

My joy is in the name of the Lord. For He is good and His mercies endure forever!!! He never left me nor did He forget about me. As long as there is breath in me, I will praise the Lord! I will choose to give Him glory. I will speak out His promises to remind myself that I am redeemed by the blood. That I am righteous. That I am a king and a priest and a son. That I am chosen. That I have a reason to live and a purpose to fulfill. Hallelujah!!! Amen!

This post is dedicated to Anil
For inspiring me with your attitude, your plans and your life.
What a fulfilling Sunday. Went for prayer at 10:30am. Then had a AMAZING worship led by Shaoxiong... God's really using him to lead the church into higher worship. Felt that he stepped out in faith today to bring us up. Praise God he took that step. Our church is rising... I can feel it. Product of prayer, ladies and gentlemen. Now we need to rally more prayer warriors.

Played soccer at Serangoon Secondary School today. Watched the first half of the match. Amazing how the team I was playing for (bandung united), managed to equalise twice after conceding. Showed strength and determination. Their midfield also impressed me. Halftime came and the score was 2-2. I met Christine at halftime cos she was just living at the condo opposite the field and she came down for a walk.

Got subbed in at half time into a leftback role. Decided to make a early run upfield and received a late late tackle after I passed the ball to a teammate. My teammate lost the ball and from the attack that resulted, we conceded a goal. Had some difficulty in left back. Wrong side and wrong position. I prefer playing on the right of midfield. One of the players (69) swapped with me after awhile asking me to play left midfield. I was surprised at how easy it was to skip past the defence. Although they were agressive, I managed to get 2 shots in. Both were too weak though. A square ball to my striker also didn't result in anything. We managed to pull back to 3-3.

The highlight of the match was the fight that took place. One of my teammates got kicked twice by 2 of the opponents. Cheap shots cos the first one was from behind and the 2nd one was while he was on the ground. Finally got all the players to calm down before resuming the game. I'm glad I got to play today.

Went to the airport in the evening. See Gloria back from Thailand. Its good to see her again but its kinda obvious that she misses ChiangMai. Praying for God to refine that passion. Heard some bad news from a friend from the mission trip boot camp. One of my team members, he was from YWAM, passed away 2 weeks ago.

Lord... I pray for the questions to be answered. Don't leave them guessing. Especially if it concerns their faith. Lord, help them to understand. In your precious name, Jesus, Amen.

What a renewing time at prayer seminar. Especially when she sang again. Ever heard angels? I haven't... but I have an idea of how they would sound like. Such peace in song, in music. Such encouragement.

Its kinda cheesy but I felt that when I heard her speak in tongues, I thought I had the interpretation. Maybe not interpreting it but I kinda understood what she spoke? I should observe this more... But of course she did a much better job of interpreting.

I'm happy for the people who bothered to come down. I'm sure they were ministered too. For those who weren't free, I pray that more opportunities will arise where they can learn.

We are going to be a hub in which missionaries will be sent out. No one goes to war without preparation. Just like soldiers need to go through military training, Christians need to go through Spiritual training. My work is to pray.

no more distractions.

I'm tired... mentally. So many things on my mind. The youth in ChiangMai, the youth in church, my cell group, my personal life. Then there are things that keep repeating over and over again. Things that keep coming up. Things that I don't wish to think about anymore. But they keep coming back.

Decisions to make. I wish that I could just be alone for now. I don't want to be bothered for awhile. I don't want to decide anything. It makes me sick to the stomach. I just realised that I'm not the type who can fool around. There's a bar preventing me from doing that. So I'm going to stop trying.

Prayer seminar was good. Like a revision of things that I've learnt. I'm glad that quite a lot of people came for the first session. Glad to see them taking notes. But I hope that they actually do utilize the knowledge they've gained. Hope to learn more tomorrow afternoon.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Excuse me, could you put those tears on hold?
I seem to have misplaced your heart
Are we stopping to get directions?
Or are you too proud to ask?
Bitter winter galleries display these works of art
Could you think of a better way?
One that doesn't require effort?
Turn around please, easy does it...

The lights dance playfully
shimmering through, pressed on the liquid glass
straining to keep them in
and the head tilts back
The flutter of the eyelids
ever so slightly, you don't want to start the deluge
You don't want them to see those drops of weakness
From a whine to a wail, a scream to a roar

Still you keep it in
Low, like you don't feel
Finally they weigh down
Goodbye, Goodnight
Ignore my plight
Remain unknown
Unheard
Unhurt
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

You can talk & talk and explain & explain but if a person refuses to believe, then it'll just be a waste of time. So I'm glad that this is not a waste. I don't want my life to revolve around this anymore. But its hard if you keep getting pulled back into it. So many times I thought, "Yes! Its finally dealt with." But it always doesn't seem to be the end. I hope it really is the end.

Prayer Seminar tonight. Looking forward to it...
I found my oasis. Thank You God.

::: Verse of the Day :::
Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands.

He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD.

Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.

Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and revering him. For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land-a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.
| Deuteronomy 8:2-9 |

It just took all of that to come to a screeching halt, to get to the point of having nothing, for me to finally realize, "Hey, what are you fighting with this for?"
Until then, I hadn't claimed my faith as my own; I had just grown up with it. But I finally got to that point after years and years of running from God. Christ stepped in when I asked him.
| Scott Stapp (former frontman of Creed) |

Similar to my testimony.

Dear God... I'm sorry. I do stupid things. I want to walk with you but I keep getting distracted. There are no excuses. I don't want to stray. But the question that keeps coming up is 'Why bother?'. Why indeed...
You've always showed me hope when I had none. Little reminders that it is possible. Lord I pray that there'll be another oasis because I'm feeling lost and discouraged in this desert. Amen.

::: Quote of the Day :::
Keep doing that. Keep shooting yourself in your foot.

Now what the heck did I do to mess up this time?
Just how did I deserve to be called those things?

Don't you just hate it when you get in trouble for something you have no idea about. Its like being pronounced guilty even before you have an idea of what crime was committed. I have my flaws... True. But if you don't like them then don't keep standing there looking at them. Tell me about it and if its worth changing, I'll change... If I don't, then live with it. If you can't then stop looking at it.There are so many things I wanted to journal down. But it won't be a good idea...
If I wanted, I could continue this... But no good will come out of it.

Anyway, Jeremy going in to tekong tomorrow... Gotta get some sleep.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it, When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
| john mayer - love song for no one |

Here are the lyrics to the song I wrote... Don't ask me who the girl in friendster is. I just couldn't think of a better song title. I wrote the tune and lyrics in 30 minutes on Sunday morning at about 2am? Then did the recording in another 30 minutes. Please let me know what you think about the song...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
When you feel the heat rush to your head
You know its too late(x2)
When you feel the lust turn into hate
You know its too late(x2)

[PRE-CHORUS]
And she just refuses to smile
You know its just not worth your while
[CHORUS]
But she drives me wild(x4)

What thoughts lie behind that beautiful stare
You know that I care(x2)
You've lost all hope and you start to despair
You know that I care(x2)

[BRIDGE]
There used to be a time where it used to be me
There were so many things that I couldn't see
You lay in my arms and you told me everything
But now all I see of you are in faded memories

[PART 2]
Love and reality alternate
Taking turns to drive
I'll accept this, my cruel fate
While I wait for her to arrive
This seems to be the perfect plan
But soon I realise
The more I look, the less fate's hand
will bring us to collide
|daryl - the girl on friendster|
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Okie... Its always strange coming back to Singapore after being away for awhile. Its like nothing here has changed but you feel strangely detached from it all. But one thing good about this situation is that the team is closer after it all.

Reading the signs can be dangerous. Ask me why people don't make their moves and I'll show you the risks that we have to face. It may even cause a backward decline. And so I'm here today with decisions to make. I want more.. but I don't want to lose what I have.

So what have I been up to since I got back? Nothing much actually. Watching some of the DVDs that I bought from Bangkok... Wrote a new song (Comments?)... Played table tennis on Sunday (Albert is good!)... Went for Rachelle's farewell party... Had a good time there with all the games and sharing. Gonna miss her.

Here's some colorquiz I took... Some of it is true, some of it WAS true. Some are totally off the mark. But it makes an interesting read.

Your Existing Situation Dissatisfied. The need to escape continued involvement with his present circumstances makes it imperative for him to find some solution. Your Stress Sources Unfulfilled hopes have led to uncertainty and apprehension. Needs to feel secure and to avoid any further disappointment, and fears being passed over or losing standings and prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the future and this negative attitude leads him to make exaggerated demands and to refuse to make reasonable compromises. Your Restrained Characteristics Believes that he is not receiving his share--that he is neither properly understood or adequately appreciated. Feels that he is being compelled to conform, and close relationships leave him without any sense of emotional involvement. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Sensitive and sentimental, but conceals this from all except those very close to him. Your Desired Objective Shelves his ambitions and forgoes his desire for prestige as he prefers to take things easily and indulge his longing for comfort and security. Your Actual Problem Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to stress and anxiety. He wants congenial contact with others and scope for development, but feels that his relationships are empty and his progress impeded. He reacts with an intense and zealous activity designed to achieve his aims at all costs.

-ChiangMai Day 6-
Our last day here... Spent the morning at Sanphranet School again before heading down to to the Kindergarten at the new church. Can't remember the name. Mae Yoy or something like that. Helped to fix up a minature basketball hoop stand with Jeremy. After that I slacked for awhile. Jeremy was playing hide & seek with Atin...

Did some colouring for the kindergarten materials. Pat & I had to colour to outlines of some pictures to make them nicer. Jeremy was doing lamination. Fell asleep after that... The rest of the team had gone for visitation at a hospital.

Was supposed to go for home cell after dinner but it started to rain quite heavily. Lynette, Xiong and Stefanie had to sit in the open at the back of the truck while it rained... Quite funny to see them soaked and shivering... :P But kinda poor thing also. Since we couldn't go for cell we decided to eat in by ordering pizza. Had a debrief and a great time of prayer before sleeping.

Would leave for bangkok the next morning. The trip although short was one that was necessary both for the Sanphranet church and community as well as ourselves. I pray that people's lives will continue to be changed. We may not have done much in bringing people to Christ but I feel that this was in a way, encouraging and equipping them to be able to draw strength from God when they evangelise and run the church.

Click the picture on the left to view my photoblog... Just some of the pictures that I took on the trip. Thanks!

-Chiang Mai Day 5-
We had a good time of worship and prayer in the morning. Lynette appointed me to lead worship this morning. So far its been Xiong and Stefanie doing the morning worships and they've been doing well! I wasn't keen about leading cos I don't memorise the chords. I need to have the chords if I'm playing. Thank God I managed to find 2 or 3 songs rather quickly. It was a refreshing time and I am still surprised at how God works.

We went back to Sanphranet school to teach again today. Its amazing what a simple song and a bag of sweets can do... Revised the 'head & shoulders' song with them before playing games with them. They like running! They also loved it when I took pictures of them. They crowded round me pushing and posing for the shot.

Went for another buffet in the afternoon. I give testimony to the fact that those called by the Lord to do His work will not go hungry! :P
Food wasn't very good though. Probably still full from the previous night's heavy dinner. The team had to split up in the evening because we had to teach English to some of the youth and we had to go for house visitation as well...

Xiong, Jeremy & Stefanie stayed to teach English while Lynette, Pat & myself went to visit one of the youth, Rin's, family. Her stepfather was in hospital and so we went to pray for them. The visit confirmed an impression from God about Rin the day before when we were praying for 3 of the girls... About her having lots of questions and not being able to let go of certain things.

-ChiangMai Day 4-
Sunday Service in Sanphranet Church. The service started about 30-40 minutes behind schedule. But I was pleasantly surprised to see the sanctuary full. When we had arrived in ChiangMai, Pastor Prasarn had mentioned something about the church having bought new chairs. And almost every one of the blue plastic chairs was occupied... Again was asked to play drums at the last minute. I didn't know any of the songs but managed to keep time. (I think... :P)

The youth of the church put up a skit about mothers and how we should treasure them and obey them. A bit sad when the mother in the play died in the end. Kinda like a surprise ending... Haha! The youth also sang a song and then did a dance as well... Had a wonderful mother's day lunch after the service.

We conducted the worship workshop in the afternoon. Lynette did a teaching about worshipping in Spirit and in Truth. I loved the 'practical' session when we all worshipped together. Lynette on keyboards, Stef on guitar, Xiong on bass, myself on drums and Pat & Jem singing with Pastor and the youth. It reminded me again about the day where every tongue & tribe will praise God together in one voice. It was beautiful. They know how to worship... They just have to do it and not wait to 'stumble' across the Spirit now and then.

The thing that really hit wme was when all of us started praying together in unison after the workshop. The Holy Spirit just descended and filled the room so quickly that it literally took my breath away. I admire how easy it is for God to work over there. Maybe because of the mentality? Because there are less distractions? The attitude?

Had a time of relaxation after that when we headed down to have a Thai buffet... Ate insanely large amounts of food and enjoyed every mouthful. Was the last one to finish eating yet again. But I think I ate the most this night. After that the team made its way to Walk Street for shopping. Us guys weren't very interested in shopping there cos Jeremy & I had been there before. Boring and expensive.
Pastor Prasarn had enticed us with the Charity Shield match between Manchester United and Arsenal. After walking around for quite awhile looking for places to watch the match, we finally decided to drive to his friend's house to watch the match there. Sad to see them lose 3-1 but we made new friends. :)

-ChiangMai Day 3-
Miracle Kids in the morning. Had to play drums cos the drummer kid wasn't around. Saw that the kids really enjoyed themselves with the games, praise songs and activities. They also had to make mother's day cards in the afternoon. In Thailand, they celebrate mother's day on 8 August 12 August... Went shopping after Miracle Kids to buy groceries & ingredients for the mother's day lunch on Sunday. Kept getting ribbed about not helping Sidar carry the groceries. But I guess I was just asking for it when I kept mentioning how pretty she was to the team. Haha...

Girls in ChiangMai are generally better looking that Singaporean ones. I don't know whether its the way the Thais let their natural beauty show or because of the way they behave. In Singapore, everyone (in general) has a mindset of what beauty is. Its either make-up or showing skin... They try so hard to stand out that in the end, they all look the same.

But back to Sunday evening. We met up with Gloria & Pi Bae to go for the night bazaar. We had to leave Lynette at MacDonald's because she wasn't feeling well. Prayed for her and left for shopping. Was supposed to go back to get her after 30 mins but I got carried away while shopping that I realised only after 45 minutes... Took 5-10 minutes to run back to MacDonald's. Found her cheery & well, eating Fish O'Fillet and drinking hot tea. Bought 2 T-shirts that night. There was nothing else that caught my eye though... :(

There was one incident which surprised me while we were shopping. Lynette, Jeremy and myself were shopping and wanted to buy pillow covers. We had initially asked to get 4 for 300 baht. But the shop-keeper didn't want to reduce the price. So we walked away. While walking away, Lynette told me she'd rather get the pillow cases from an earlier shop which used better quality material. But while we were walking away, the shop-keeper gradually reduced the price to 300 baht. We stopped for a second but continued walking. Then we heard the shop-keeper hear something like 50 baht. We thought she reduced the price that much so we returned to the shop. When we wanted to look at the variety of designs, the shop-keeper said fiercely, "Don't touch. You no touch. You no good! You no good nature!"
We were rather stunned for awhile but we quickly walked away after that. We didn't realised that she was being sarcastic about the price. Other then that one undesirable incident, the night was thoroughly enjoyable.

Had to prepare a song to for Mother's Day service the next day. So we didn't sleep till quite late. They had to figure out the lyrics to the chinese dumex song about mothers and then translate it to English so that Pastor could translate it to Thai for the congregation. I fell asleep halfway because I was very tired from walking the night bazaar and also because I couldn't help with the chinese. :\

-ChiangMai Day 2-
This morning was spent at Sanphranet School. We split up into 3 groups. Stefanie & Jeremy took the primary 6s, Pat & Xiong took the Primary 4s and Lynette & I took the primary 5s. Lynette did most of the talking while I helped write words on the blackboard. Visited a couple of homes in the afternoon with Pastor Prasarn and we prayed for the villagers. I really enjoyed spending time with the people.

Had our worship practice in the evening. Thank God for Stefanie who played the guitars. Made the band sound fuller. Got some compliments from a few of the Thai guys but I'm beginning to wonder whether I'm cut out to be a drummer at all.. Maybe I should just be 'someone who can play the drums' instead. Maybe put those dreams of playing in a Christian band on hold till I get much much better.

So anyway, this kid played the drums for the miracle kids worship practice. He's good. Consistent... Something I have to be conscious about when I'm playing came naturally to him. :\

Ok alright... This post is dated 6 August but I actually wrote all this on my third night here. Simply because we are out the entire time. Been helping out with some of the church stuff here but not much really. God has been good though... I feel that we're really bonding as a team. A few bumps here and there but nothing that a dose of Godly love won't fix.... Let me try to recall what happened the past few days.

-ChiangMai Day 1-

The plane trip on AirAsia was an experience. We weren't use to some of their procedures. For example, free seating on the flight meant that a queue would start at the gate before it was opened. Slept for the most of the trip from Singapore to Bangkok after making countless jokes about being in a budget airline. Spent 8 hours at Bangkok airport basically lazing around talking. From Burger King where we had our lunch (They have a Whopper Double with bacon and cheese!!), we moved to Dairy Queen at the other end of the international airport. Had ice cream before eating pizza for an early dinner.

Had an enjoyable run/walk to the domestic flight terminal. It felt like we were on 'The Amazing Race'. Complete with an (almost)unknown language, out of date floor plans, people giving wrong directions as well as a delayed flight. Thank God we were finally able to get on the plane to Chiang Mai. More 'budget' jokes before I fell asleep again for the 1 hour plus flight.

Settled into Henry and Tuk's house quite comfortably. A few clashes in opinions but it all settled quickly. I guess its good that this team is made up of members who know how to focus on God. Slept soundly because we were all tired out...

Why do I journal online?
There's always been debate on why people keep online journals. Issues like wanting attention, being an exhibitionist or just wanting to speak out at others without consequence. (Think freedom of speech...) I think there are people who journal for those reasons. But for me, I feel that what started as a means to vent my shattered emotions, has turned into a sort of vault where I come back to every once in a while to see where and what I've been.

Over the many months spent writing, I've learnt that the main reason for writing the way I do, is to be honest with myself. So that I do not remain stagnent as a person. I was talking with a couple of old friends about this issue and I told him that journal was more for myself than for others to read... He shot back the question, why not keep a real journal then? Write with a pen on paper... I didn't answer him immediately but there were two answers in my mind at that very moment.

One being the fact that I'll have too many notebooks with the amount that I write...
And the second? Have you seen my handwriting?

And so I'll be leaving for ChiangMai tomorrow morning. Haven't packed yet. Waiting for more of the clothes to dry. Have to bring along guitar cable, drumsticks, someone's medicine and children's storybooks. The books are going to be heavy!
Just have to finish up the prayer newsletter.

Going to get back Dale's semi-acoustic guitar from Liwei now.

I didn't know how much Joe's absence from the team affected me till today. Just felt frustrated during practice. I've been doing a good job of letting God handle it but the reality of it all hit me today. We're going there to conduct a worship workshop and we don't have a full band. And not being able to find a replacement also took its toll on me. Wasn't able to play or worship God during the practice...

But I'm thankful for Shaoxiong for turning the practice into a worship by itself... Reminded me that God is in control and its not the number of people or whether there is a full band. Its whether we're obedient, whether we're listening and how much we want to serve. It usually takes things like this, things that are out of my control to remind me... Although I wasn't into the worship at the time, I felt better knowing that the team is in the right 'mode' and it encouraged me as I thought about it later. I have to keep up.

The thing is... This is not my best yet. I'm disappointed because I know I can offer more. I know we all can. The Lord doesn't love us any less if we're no good, true enough... I'm just not satisfied with what I'm giving. For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son... He gave His best. Its as if I'm not doing Him justice. The thing is we don't condemn ourselves if we can't achieve the best all the time cos He doesn't condemn us. But no way am I going to sit back and be satisfied with what I'm offering now...

::: Quote of the Day :::
The more we cry out...
the Lord is attuned to our voice
and he will answer our heart's cry

We have a very important part to play in this last day great revival
And its time for us to gear up
Its time for us to take our place
| Lynette Hagin |

Alright, alright... Its a sign that it may be possible after all... But still I'm waiting. Some pieces still don't fit and I can't make them fit any quicker.

And so this week has been tiringly good. Enjoyed myself at SonicFest on Saturday. Met some nice people. I was soaked in the rain for most of the morning and I was shivering because there was a fan in the tentage area. But it got better after a few hours. Spent most of the day putting on the admission tags on people's wrist (Left wrist please!), checking people's bags (Any food and drinks, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, explosives, weapons?) and handing out flyers.
The thing that surprises me is why people get so offended that we need to check their bags. It takes only a few seconds and I only look for the things mentioned above. I got dirty stares, dirty words and dirty actions. We do it so that you guys have a safe enjoyable experience at the festival. A few seconds for peace of mind is a worthwhile thing don't you think? =P

Had GG after service yesterday... Good teaching from Stanley. He spoke about how as leaders we must change ourselves so as to influence change. Because the people are usually limited by their leaders. On the other hand, we were told during the sunday sermon that we should not be selfish and keep looking inwards... Hmmm... who to follow? Who to listen to? I'm sorry, if I'm expected to feed His sheep, I need to have food and to know what it tastes like right? So if the hand doesn't feed, I'll definitely go somewhere else to look.

Going for practice in church now. Still praying that everything goes according to God's plan. We all need to get into the correct mindset, the correct 'groove' so to speak. I'm rushing this post... Gotta run!

SonicFest'04 was really an experience... Being part of the crew made me see a different aspect of the event as a whole. I see and hear about the prayer there went into the preparation of the event. And God reminded me again that it solely depends on how much we pray. How badly do we want people to be saved? Enough to spend an hour a day praying?

I've been praying for my church... I've been crying out to God for them and I believe its time to start praying the same way for the church in ChiangMai, Sanphranet. The results depend on our prayers! Its as simple as that!
Prayed for God to stir up the passion... I need a whiff of that passion that Jesus had when He died for me.

I stayed over last night at the Leaders' Hangout... Much of the time was spent aimlessly... Just waiting for different things to happen. In the end, we did some group study and sharing on leadership. More on the benefits of certain habits and the excuses that prevent us from fulfilling these habits.
Tried to sleep quite early but kept waking up at one hour intervals during the night. Woke myself up at 5:45 am to leave for home to collect my festival stuff... Praise God for the strength that He provided...

Tired now... I'm going to sleep. My feet are hurting from being wrinkled up. Because my shoes were wet from the rain in the morning. And so the underside of my feet began wrinkling up and it hurt when I walked just now... Praise God that my feet will recover very soon.

::: Poem of the Day :::
I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;
I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
I hid from Him, and under running laughter.
Up vistaed hopes I sped;
And shot, precipitated,
Adown Titanic glooms of chasmed fears,
From those strong Feet that followed, followed after.
But with unhurrying chase,
And unperturbeded pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
They beat -- and a voice beat
More instant than the Feet --
"All things betray thee, who betrayest Me."

I pleaded, outlaw-wise,
By many a hearted casement, curtained red,
Trellised with intertwining charities;
(For, though I knew His love Who followèd,
Yet was I sore adread
Lest, having Him, I must have naught beside.)
| Excerpt from The Hound of Heaven by Francis Thompson |